Don’t be deceived by the title of this one; it’s not fun.  Well, by that I mean it’s not as fun as it should be, but I guess a lot of things aren’t “as they should be” this year.  I’m referring to Teddy’s first birthday; it’s hurtling towards us at a pace I never imagined.  How is it nearly a year? Where has the time gone?  I know all new Mums say that; usually as they watch their tiny babes growing into toddlers.  What about the rest of us?  What about the Mums who can’t believe that time is flying past and we are leaving our little ones, the moment they were here, further and further behind?

Trust me when I say the last thing anyone who has lost a child ever wants you to say is “I understand how you feel” or “I can kind of relate because…”

That’s not me being rude, ungrateful or unkind to anyone; it is purely a fact, and one that I know to be true having spoken to so many of my friends who have also lost their babies or children.  I know that everything in our human nature tells us we should try to understand, like we try to do in so many situations; but you really, truly can’t.  Do you know something? I wouldn’t even want you to.  I wouldn’t wish this pain, this strange reality that is life after child loss upon anyone.

After nearly a year away from my job on maternity leave, I finally gave my notice in this week (Breathes out huge sigh of relief and pent up anxiety!).   I thought about this decision long and hard, it was not something I took lightly, and I can tell you that it kept me awake many nights worrying about what I would be throwing away.  After a particularly difficult Christmas and an equally bad start to January,  it dawned on me; there wasn’t really a “choice” at all. The answer was already in me, I wasn’t able to go back.

It always surprises me how many people cannot quite bring themselves to actually say out loud that Teddy died.  It often gets referred to as “What happened to you.” or “After what you’ve been through.”  I feel as though people try so hard to protect me from something that there is no hiding from; and something that I don’t want to be protected from.  Teddy died; he was here, he was so very loved, and then we lost him.