My first blog in what feels like forever.  I read back that last post before I began writing this, and I’ll be honest, it feels like a different life altogether.  The fear as I typed those last paragraphs was visceral as my fingers tapped the keys.  I wasn’t sure what the next weeks had in store for me, even though we had ensured we had the best laid plans for our baby’s arrival. Well, it turns out that even the best laid plans can become entirely redundant in planning the arrival of a baby.  I should have known that really.

I’ll start by being honest; I had wanted to blog more during this pregnancy; much more.  I thought I would be able to have afforded myself the time and headspace to fill this corner of the internet with a comprehensive perspective of what it feels like to finally be pregnant four years after the death of our son; particularly given that we’ve all been locked up at home for months.  Then it dawned on me, that I have always had the luxury of being able to write about my experiences for this blog retrospectively.  Always giving myself time to fully understand those emotions and thoughts that I have waded through, before even coming close to attempting to put them into any kind of  readable format for the consumption of others.  To be in the thick of those kind of intense emotions once more has floored me.  I had hoped I could put pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard) in an attempt to connect with others who might be on a similar journey, but, as of yet, the ability to do that has escaped me.  So, excuse me if this blog is a little jarring, raw or unpalatable for those who have never experienced deep grief, or the fear and anxiety that seem to run so succinctly beside it during a pregnancy after a loss.

It seems quite surreal to be writing about this now, when we are living in a time when rainbows appear to have become such a symbol of hope for us all in these unprecedented times.  Of course, for us, like so many bereaved parents, the rainbow has long symbolised the hope and happiness that we have dreamt of.