No, you’re right, I’m not.  I’ve said it before; I don’t know where “old me” is hanging out these days, but I miss her.  She was carefree, positive and always had something funny to say to brighten up the days of others who were struggling (even if she was prone to taking the p*ss a bit?). Some days I wake up and I feel a bit like her;  I feel like I could maybe do a day at work or go to a big event without so much as a single pang of anxiety or panic.   Then there are the other days; the ones when I remember why I feel so different now.  The days when I feel desperate and I miss Teddy so much that it consumes me.

Many of you who follow me on Instagram will know that the last few weekends have been dedicated to a garden clean up. It wasn’t that it was specifically bad, I just wasn’t feeling it. I’ve found the more time I’ve spent at home since not returning to work; the more time I have to let stuff that wouldn’t ordinarily bother me, bother me. Once I notice something, or it gets under my skin, that’s it; there’s no hope for it. This is a habit that gets increasingly boring for my husband, of that I’m sure!

Don’t be deceived by the title of this one; it’s not fun.  Well, by that I mean it’s not as fun as it should be, but I guess a lot of things aren’t “as they should be” this year.  I’m referring to Teddy’s first birthday; it’s hurtling towards us at a pace I never imagined.  How is it nearly a year? Where has the time gone?  I know all new Mums say that; usually as they watch their tiny babes growing into toddlers.  What about the rest of us?  What about the Mums who can’t believe that time is flying past and we are leaving our little ones, the moment they were here, further and further behind?

Trust me when I say the last thing anyone who has lost a child ever wants you to say is “I understand how you feel” or “I can kind of relate because…”

That’s not me being rude, ungrateful or unkind to anyone; it is purely a fact, and one that I know to be true having spoken to so many of my friends who have also lost their babies or children.  I know that everything in our human nature tells us we should try to understand, like we try to do in so many situations; but you really, truly can’t.  Do you know something? I wouldn’t even want you to.  I wouldn’t wish this pain, this strange reality that is life after child loss upon anyone.