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Feathering the empty nest -
  • home
  • Teddy & Me
  • Teddy’s Legacy
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    • Home
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    • Pregnancy After Loss
    • Mum’s Voice Blog Series
  • Say Hello
    • Work with me
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Mum’s Voice Blog Series

The Legacy of Leo- Mum’s Voice Guest Post by Jess

12th June 2018 by Elle 1 Comment
Lately, I keep hearing about two and half year olds. Every random person who mentions their children, seem to have two and a half year olds. The half is so important. I always know how old Leo would be. Two and a half, almost. The age of my first son, my first child.
In January, 2016 after a seemingly textbook pregnancy, I arrived at our local Maternity Assessment Unit after a short period of no movement, to be told that my child had died. I was 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Term, plus a bonus day. And suddenly we had entered this unknown world where pregnant mothers carry dead babies, and wait for an induction. A world where you labour knowing the end will be silent.
The day before, I was pottering about in his nursery. Rearranging his extensive book collection – hand-me-downs that should have taken him from picture book through to Famous Five, Harry Potter, Northern Lights and on to Lord of the Rings. Yet he was dead. And I was still pregnant.
Three days later he was born. Leading up to labour I was almost paralysed by fear, sat catatonic on my sofa not knowing what to expect – yet his birth was positive, meeting him was.. is, one of my greatest memories. It’s hard at times to think back to those days, but Leo is and always will be our son and meeting him and seeing his little fingers, his big feet and his dark hair made me feel safe again. Safe that he was okay, we were okay. He had gone, but he was with me and I could care for him now, forever.
We conceived Leo Phoenix, as he was named in an instant upon hearing his death, after two years of fertility treatment. As a two mum family, we knew fertility treatment was the right avenue for us to become parents. But we just never knew it could be so, so hard.
Using anonymous sperm donation, we did three cycles of IUI – artificial insemination – at a clinic in London. All failed. We never, ever expected that. We hadn’t been prepared that it might not work. We were completely thrown, yet eventually found our path to another clinic and started IVF.
On our second IVF cycle, Leo was conceived! Finally. Finally. After jumping from blood test to scan to pregnancy test to appointment – we were going to be Mothers. When he died, our worlds abruptly stopped and started again. We entered a new chapter, one far darker than we ever imagined parenthood could create. But, importantly, one where we were still mothers. Leo taught us that. And he taught us just how much love we had for him and eachother, and how much we wanted to bring a child home with us.
Now when I meet people new on this journey, and I think back to those early days of utter confusion and pain – I can say safely, that the light does come back in. But that never detracts from how hard it will always be that Leo isn’t here. Or how much I long for his prescence in my home, alongside his little brother. Or how much I see the gaps that his death creates.

Time heals apparently. Except it doesn’t really. Time changes things, gives new perspectives, adds layers and complicates. It gives us the opportunity to practice how to cope, to find out what works – but two and half years after my son was stillborn, I still don’t think time heals.

Jess x
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About me

elle A blog of learning to navigate through life when the plan doesn’t go to plan. When the unthinkable happened, my home saved me. My passion for creating a home became a lifeline; a way of recovery. Here, I share with you some of my thoughts, my home style and most importantly how this all came to be after the loss of our beautiful baby boy, Teddy. Teddy lived for just three days, his time on this earth may have been short, but his impact has been immense. This is my motherhood.

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feathering_the_empty_nest

The big 6 🥳 Happy Birthday to the best friend, The big 6 🥳
Happy Birthday to the best friend, best cuddler, best listener (sometimes, unless food is involved🤷🏼‍♀️), best big brother and best all-round entertainer that team Wright could wish for!  He’s not the best at giving advice, but we’ll let him off. What he lacks in stature he more than makes up for in personality!
Boz, we love you. Never change, you beautiful little soul🥰
(Photos from a distant time when fun flowed wild and free, and we could all just frolic on the sand as we pleased😂) 
#birthdayboy #bringbackfrolicking #puglove
Last year, it wasn’t the one any of us hoped it Last year, it wasn’t the one any of us hoped it might be, it became something none of us could have ever imagined. And yet, for me, it has also been a year that brought us more happiness as a family than we have felt in a very long time. A feeling of happiness that I had feared might never return.🌈💓
It’s been five months since I ventured into this little corner of the internet, so I’m tiptoeing back in (unlike Boz who decided to make an entrance🙄) and I’m not quite sure if there’s anyone here still listening?🤔😂 
I’ve been lucky enough to spend the past five or so months doing all of the things I have dreamed of doing for so long, and yet simultaneously doing none of the things I thought we might be able to do. There have been ups and downs; days filled with the happiest of happy tears, and days of complete and utter overwhelm. All in all, I’ve learned that time away from here, from this, is really good for me.  It’s something I hope to do much more of.  Yet, here I find myself, back again. Doing what? I’m not entirely sure, but I hope you’ll also be here to follow along with some of the things I’ve been working on for 2021...🤞🏼💫🌈
#babyimback #teddyslegacy 
(P.S- This little room is finally filled with the most delicious little chuckles, and it makes my heart burst with happiness💓)
👋🏼Bye for Now👋🏼 Just over 3 & 1/2 year 👋🏼Bye for Now👋🏼
Just over 3 & 1/2 years ago I began writing my blog to share a narrative of motherhood that wasn’t getting the airtime it deserved, and as I did, this little corner of the internet grew, beyond anything I ever could have imagined.  I began dedicating much of my time to raising awareness and funds in Teddy’s name, and finally by writing Ask Me His Name.
I’ve connected with thousands of bereaved parents since then, and so many of you, who like me, have had quite the journey (or are still on it!) to becoming a parent.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours (definitely more🙈) completely consumed by this app; in DMs and comments, trying my best to keep connected to everyone.
And now, she’s here...🌈💗
This has been our dream for so long, a take-home chick.  I’m now acutely aware, more so than ever, of all of the things we missed out on with her big brother.  Everyone keeps telling me how quickly these first weeks and months go, and I don’t want to miss a second with her to be staring at my phone screen instead. 
So excuse me, just for now, while I back out of this room slowly, close the door quietly behind me and simply say...

You’ve all been incredible, and it’s not goodbye, it’s see you all soon.  I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back, I just need a break, to enjoy this little one and immerse myself in the overwhelming privilege of being able to finally hold our baby.  I hope you can understand❤️🙏🏼

Look after each other, stay safe, be kind to one another, and remember....when life hands you that big old bag of lemons🍋 Promise me that you’ll never, ever, give up HOPE✨🌈✌🏼
#onabreak #seeyousoon #featheringtheNOTSOemptynest #atlast

(Another image from my friend/genius @sketchymuma )
A little...GIRL💗🌈 Our hearts have been full A little...GIRL💗🌈
Our hearts have been full since May 2016, but since last week our arms finally have been too, with the most perfect surprise🥰🌈
This little miracle arrived by emergency Caesarean section, a little earlier than had been meticulously planned for (pretty traumatic and involving a 999 call and a blue light ambulance to hospital, but that’s definitely a story for another day😳🙈). She was lifted safely into the world by our incredible consultant, who we will never be able to thank enough for the care and support she has given us over the last four years. 
We came home last Thursday, we are all safe and well, and we are all slowly (just about) getting this figured out with our newest team member! 
Boris is (as expected) the best and proudest big brother! 👏🏼😭
Our real life rainbow is finally here, and she feels like a beautiful dream come true...🌈💫

#mygirl #rainbowbaby
#teddyisabigbrother #believeinmiraclesandmagic
Waiting for a rainbow....🌈 Last week I posted a Waiting for a rainbow....🌈
Last week I posted a blog post. Most likely my last for a long while.  Thank you to everyone who took the time to read it and leave such kind comments over there.  I’ve tried to make sense of all the intense emotions in these last weeks, but the truth is, that as we near the end of this, my anxiety and fears have become all consuming.

Pregnancy after a neonatal death is hard, because for us, the scariest part is yet to come.  I have focused so hard, for so long, on just becoming pregnant again, that I never stopped to imagine how hard this pregnancy might be.  There is no bag packed, the hum of excitement and anticipation that usually hangs in the air before an impending arrival is replaced by unsaid worries and “what ifs”, and the car seat remains firmly in the loft where it was packed away four years ago amidst tears. 

We aren’t waiting for a ‘happy ending’, because the arrival of a living child will never simply erase the death of another.  But we are hoping for a new, much happier, chapter to begin...🤞🏼🌈✨👋🏼

#growingarainbow #thefinalfurlong #pregnancyafterloss #overandout 
{Thank you to @illustratedbyvictoria for this image of me growing our rainbow whilst looking out for our star⭐️💙)
Eat, sleep, clean everything. Repeat. 🌮🍩😴 Eat, sleep, clean everything. Repeat.
🌮🍩😴🧼🧺♻️
#myhomestyle #kitchendecor #featheringtheemptynest #naplife
Load More… Follow on Instagram

Categories

  • Home
  • Lifestyle
  • Loss
  • Mum’s Voice Blog Series
  • Pregnancy After Loss

feathering_the_empty_nest

The big 6 🥳 Happy Birthday to the best friend, The big 6 🥳
Happy Birthday to the best friend, best cuddler, best listener (sometimes, unless food is involved🤷🏼‍♀️), best big brother and best all-round entertainer that team Wright could wish for!  He’s not the best at giving advice, but we’ll let him off. What he lacks in stature he more than makes up for in personality!
Boz, we love you. Never change, you beautiful little soul🥰
(Photos from a distant time when fun flowed wild and free, and we could all just frolic on the sand as we pleased😂) 
#birthdayboy #bringbackfrolicking #puglove
Last year, it wasn’t the one any of us hoped it Last year, it wasn’t the one any of us hoped it might be, it became something none of us could have ever imagined. And yet, for me, it has also been a year that brought us more happiness as a family than we have felt in a very long time. A feeling of happiness that I had feared might never return.🌈💓
It’s been five months since I ventured into this little corner of the internet, so I’m tiptoeing back in (unlike Boz who decided to make an entrance🙄) and I’m not quite sure if there’s anyone here still listening?🤔😂 
I’ve been lucky enough to spend the past five or so months doing all of the things I have dreamed of doing for so long, and yet simultaneously doing none of the things I thought we might be able to do. There have been ups and downs; days filled with the happiest of happy tears, and days of complete and utter overwhelm. All in all, I’ve learned that time away from here, from this, is really good for me.  It’s something I hope to do much more of.  Yet, here I find myself, back again. Doing what? I’m not entirely sure, but I hope you’ll also be here to follow along with some of the things I’ve been working on for 2021...🤞🏼💫🌈
#babyimback #teddyslegacy 
(P.S- This little room is finally filled with the most delicious little chuckles, and it makes my heart burst with happiness💓)
👋🏼Bye for Now👋🏼 Just over 3 & 1/2 year 👋🏼Bye for Now👋🏼
Just over 3 & 1/2 years ago I began writing my blog to share a narrative of motherhood that wasn’t getting the airtime it deserved, and as I did, this little corner of the internet grew, beyond anything I ever could have imagined.  I began dedicating much of my time to raising awareness and funds in Teddy’s name, and finally by writing Ask Me His Name.
I’ve connected with thousands of bereaved parents since then, and so many of you, who like me, have had quite the journey (or are still on it!) to becoming a parent.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours (definitely more🙈) completely consumed by this app; in DMs and comments, trying my best to keep connected to everyone.
And now, she’s here...🌈💗
This has been our dream for so long, a take-home chick.  I’m now acutely aware, more so than ever, of all of the things we missed out on with her big brother.  Everyone keeps telling me how quickly these first weeks and months go, and I don’t want to miss a second with her to be staring at my phone screen instead. 
So excuse me, just for now, while I back out of this room slowly, close the door quietly behind me and simply say...

You’ve all been incredible, and it’s not goodbye, it’s see you all soon.  I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back, I just need a break, to enjoy this little one and immerse myself in the overwhelming privilege of being able to finally hold our baby.  I hope you can understand❤️🙏🏼

Look after each other, stay safe, be kind to one another, and remember....when life hands you that big old bag of lemons🍋 Promise me that you’ll never, ever, give up HOPE✨🌈✌🏼
#onabreak #seeyousoon #featheringtheNOTSOemptynest #atlast

(Another image from my friend/genius @sketchymuma )
A little...GIRL💗🌈 Our hearts have been full A little...GIRL💗🌈
Our hearts have been full since May 2016, but since last week our arms finally have been too, with the most perfect surprise🥰🌈
This little miracle arrived by emergency Caesarean section, a little earlier than had been meticulously planned for (pretty traumatic and involving a 999 call and a blue light ambulance to hospital, but that’s definitely a story for another day😳🙈). She was lifted safely into the world by our incredible consultant, who we will never be able to thank enough for the care and support she has given us over the last four years. 
We came home last Thursday, we are all safe and well, and we are all slowly (just about) getting this figured out with our newest team member! 
Boris is (as expected) the best and proudest big brother! 👏🏼😭
Our real life rainbow is finally here, and she feels like a beautiful dream come true...🌈💫

#mygirl #rainbowbaby
#teddyisabigbrother #believeinmiraclesandmagic
Waiting for a rainbow....🌈 Last week I posted a Waiting for a rainbow....🌈
Last week I posted a blog post. Most likely my last for a long while.  Thank you to everyone who took the time to read it and leave such kind comments over there.  I’ve tried to make sense of all the intense emotions in these last weeks, but the truth is, that as we near the end of this, my anxiety and fears have become all consuming.

Pregnancy after a neonatal death is hard, because for us, the scariest part is yet to come.  I have focused so hard, for so long, on just becoming pregnant again, that I never stopped to imagine how hard this pregnancy might be.  There is no bag packed, the hum of excitement and anticipation that usually hangs in the air before an impending arrival is replaced by unsaid worries and “what ifs”, and the car seat remains firmly in the loft where it was packed away four years ago amidst tears. 

We aren’t waiting for a ‘happy ending’, because the arrival of a living child will never simply erase the death of another.  But we are hoping for a new, much happier, chapter to begin...🤞🏼🌈✨👋🏼

#growingarainbow #thefinalfurlong #pregnancyafterloss #overandout 
{Thank you to @illustratedbyvictoria for this image of me growing our rainbow whilst looking out for our star⭐️💙)
Eat, sleep, clean everything. Repeat. 🌮🍩😴 Eat, sleep, clean everything. Repeat.
🌮🍩😴🧼🧺♻️
#myhomestyle #kitchendecor #featheringtheemptynest #naplife
Load More… Follow on Instagram

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