Well, three times actually; and it has made me think long and hard about whether to post this. Left me pondering that I might be turning into a one woman pity party? Or perhaps, I fear that I might be shattering the illusion that happily ever afters come easily to those who have already endured enough heartbreak? When I read it back to myself I thought “Well, you couldn’t make this sh*t up if you tried?”
I suppose that is my reason for posting; that I considered that there might be more of us, the unlucky ones, the ones who chase that rainbow, that “happily ever after” for far longer than they have the energy to. The ones who feel battered, bruised and broken by it all, who are on the precipice of giving it all up and chasing another dream.
It’s no secret that after Teddy died almost three years ago, we found out we were pregnant again the following Autumn. Sadly, that pregnancy also ended in heartbreak just before 15 weeks. Afterwards I had more complications, retained tissue from an incomplete miscarriage that led to another operation in March of 2017. Then? Well, nothing. No periods, no ovulation, no hope. I suppose you might call me one of the unlucky ones? Suffering from unexplained secondary infertility. I know it happens to so many more women that we even think possible. Don’t get me wrong, infertility for anyone is simply unjust, it’s heartbreaking; but infertility after the death of our son and the loss of a second baby, it just felt like an impossibly cruel joke that the universe was playing on us.
I tried everything. Changed my diet, cut out caffeine, cut out alcohol, took a selection of the most expensive vitamins known to man. Yoga, acupuncture, fertility massage, Chinese herbs, reflexology; I have literally spent thousands. Oh, and did I think to “Just relax?” or “Book a holiday?” Well yes, we did both, as much as we could, but sadly my consultant said that wouldn’t make the blindest bit of difference in our case. I charted my temperature, p*ssed on more ovulation sticks than I care to imagine (quite literally pissing my money away), and saw my consultant regularly to monitor what might be going on.
Expecting a miracle with visits to and guidance from my friend Emma Cannon.
Meanwhile, everyone had a rummage up there. Two hysteroscopy’s in 2017, an HSG (that’s where they flush your tubes through), monthly meetings with the “dildo wand” (that’s my favourite nickname for an internal scanner for those not familiar). Still no one is any the wiser. By August 2017 I was put on hormone therapy (essentially HRT) to try to mimic my cycles and get everything back on track, at least give me a period?! I was also put on a drug called Metformin to try and regulate my blood sugar and help with ovulation. 6 months passed, no change.
In February 2018 we started a drug called Clomid, used for ovulation induction. During this time I’m still doing everything I can to make sure I am eating right, exercising and, yep, “just relaxing”, to give it the best possible chance. By the third cycle of Clomid (you can only do up to 6 rounds as it thins the uterine lining over time, something my body needed no further help with), my cycles where in a mess, almost 60 days, with a 1-2 day period at the end. Still, we persisted. At the end of the summer 2018 we were referred for IVF.
I felt so grateful that there were options, that this might be the magic wand we had been waiting for. The key to the door that opened to our happily ever after. It had worked for so many people we knew, why not us?…
September 2018- First meeting with our consultant at the IVF clinic. We discussed our options and what a treatment plan might look like for us. He agreed that after my disastrous experience with Clomid that I needed to wait until I had two full cycles before we started treatment.
November 2018- We start our first round (excited!). We are on a short protocol of treatment. Meaning that stimulation injections start at the beginning of your cycle and continue for two weeks. I am on a low dose of stimulation drugs because I have polycystic ovaries and a high AMH, meaning I am at high risk of over-stimulating. The injections go well; just have to remember to do them at the same time each evening. The following week I go in for my first progress scan; all looks good. I start a second injection, each morning, to stop me from actually ovulating from all the follicles that are being produced from my ovaries. Two days later I have a second scan; all still looking good.
Early December 2018- Third scan; shit, not so good. The follicles aren’t growing fast enough. They up my stimulation dosage over the weekend to give them a boost. I go in for another scan on the Monday morning, not knowing what to expect. Cycle is cancelled. My ovaries have only produced two follicles; the clinic recommend at least 5 to be present in order to take anyone to an egg retrieval procedure. They give me a “trigger shot” to try and induce ovulation from those two follicles and send me away for the rest of that cycle. Heartbroken. The festive season can go and f*ck itself. We hide it from our family and friends, because I am too ashamed to be letting everyone down, again.
January 2019- December passed in the blink of an eye. After months of sobriety and eating like a goddess I was able to indulge over Christmas. I have my last glass of wine on New Years Eve (just one) as it all starts again first week of January. We have a different plan this time, a long treatment protocol. This involves me starting an injectable drug called Buserilin on day 21 of my cycle; for three weeks. It shuts off your ovaries and tricks your body into thinking it is menopausal. F*ck me, I feel menopausal. Hot sweats, forgetfulness, I think I hate everyone?! I didn’t expect I would feel like this. This needs to hurry up and end.
End of January 2019– Back onto two weeks of stimulation drugs; these kick-start your ovaries into producing follicles again. Still on the Buserilin too. Two injections a night. My body is starting to resemble a pin-cushion. I can’t fit into any of my jeans; the swelling is real. First two progress scans go well.
February 2019- I go to my third progress scan; it looks like history is about to repeat itself. Those follicles are slowing down. They up my dosage again over the weekend. I go home; rest, drink water and use up all my wishes that this too doesn’t end abruptly. Monday rolls around; miracles do happen. 23 follicles of measurable size; egg retrieval booked for Wednesday.
Wednesday 6th February- We arrive at the hospital for 7.30am. Check into day surgery. I am armed with a stack of magazines and a positive outlook. I hate anaesthetic; sh*t I only just remembered that. I wake up from my procedure and we get the news that 10 viable eggs have been collected. We are over the moon. We head home; I sleep off the anaesthetic and feel rather sore.
Thursday 7th February- We nervously wait for our call from the clinic. It comes. Three eggs have fertilised. Just three. I put the phone down and cry. My husband says “It only takes one, Elle.” I know he’s right.
Friday 8th February- Another call. All three have made it to day two embryos. We are egg-static (sorry, too easy). They tell us not to expect a call over the weekend unless something is not right. We book our embryo transfer for Monday 11th. I then watch my phone for two days over the weekend, waiting for bad news. It doesn’t come.
Monday 11th February- We go in for embryo transfer. I don’t know what to expect. This all feels very real. They show us the chosen embryo on a screen. It looks like a beautiful full moon. The embryologist hands it to the consultant from one room to another through what can only be described as a 1970’s dining room serving hatch. Within a minute, the transfer is complete. We meet with a nurse who tells us not to test until Friday the following week. We leave the clinic; all smiles.
The two week wait. I think this is what it feels like to lose your mind. Google is not my friend. Every little twinge is a sign it hasn’t worked; or a sign it has? I have acupuncture, I lie on my back with my legs in the air when I practice yoga. I eat healthily, I rest, I try not to go completely batshit crazy.
Thursday 21st February- I test a day early (rebel). It’s positive. Surely not? I tell my husband; he’s excited. The following morning I get up early and test again before my husband goes to work. Positive. We are both speechless. Could it be? I call the clinic later that morning with my result. They congratulate me and book me for a viability scan at 7 weeks. We tell our parents, they are over the moon. I am in disbelief.
The following morning. I start spotting. Not bleeding, but enough for me to worry. I cry. It continues over the weekend.
I call the clinic on the Monday morning. They say it’s normal as I am taking progesterone. I know IVF pregnancy is different, but my anxiety is through the roof. I call my GP; she agrees to see me that afternoon. She asks me if she wants me to calculate a due date; I say no. I have a blood test and go home.
The following morning the spotting continues. I call the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital and tell them I am worried. They fit me in that afternoon. I go in alone and wait nervously for two hours. My anxiety is at new levels. I am scanned by a consultant, she can’t see anything in my uterus, but it might be too early. She scans my ovaries, both swollen and “bulky” from IVF. She sees a shadow on my right, potentially in my tube. They take more bloods and hand me a leaflet “Pregnancy of Unknown Location”. After 3 hours, I head home.
8am the following morning, my phone rings. The consultant from yesterday. She explains my blood HCG is high and tells me it’s a suspected ectopic and to head back to the hospital. I call my husband and ask him to leave work and meet me at the hospital. I call my Mum in tears and apologise to her for letting everyone down again. When I get to the hospital I am taken straight to a room in the EPU. Two consultants and a nurse look after me. I fill in forms, they take (more) blood, they put a cannula in my hand. I am taken to a room to be re-scanned. They can see something there, between my right ovary and my tube. I sob. My husband arrives.
We are taken up to a ward and I am put on a drip as I haven’t eaten since last night and can’t have anything to eat or drink. The ward and the cubicle are identical to the one I was in when Teddy stopped breathing. I panic that I am going to die. Lunchtime comes and goes, and the afternoon passes by. The consultant comes every couple of hours to apologise and I beg them to let this be over. I am taken down to theatre at 7pm. People crowd over me as I wait for the anaesthetic (I still hate anaesthetic); I shake as the nurse squeezes my hand to try and comfort me. I feel a rush up my arm and my neck.
I wake up that evening and see the consultant from earlier today. It’s gone 9pm, she stayed to make sure she could do the operation herself, what a wonderful human. She says we have “some good news“. There was no ectopic. “We’ve left everything in there and I will speak to you in the morning about what we do next.” I am relieved, elated and confused beyond measure. They wheel me back to the ward where my husband waits for me. Tears stream down my face; I don’t even know why anymore? He has to leave as it’s late. I don’t sleep, I snack. Perhaps not being starving will bring more clarity? The hazy feeling from the anaesthetic makes me want to vomit. I persist with the snacking.
I don’t sleep for fear of something bad happening. I intermittently see Teddy in a tank next to me in the dark and am convinced I am finally losing the plot. When the morning comes, my husband returns, so do the consultants. They need to “give it more time”. I have two new snazzy holes in my tummy and two cannulas in my arms. I just want to go home. I ask to be discharged on the promise that I will rest at home.
Several more days of waiting and bedrest. Google is still not my friend.
I return to the hospital the following Monday morning for another scan. Back to the EPU. I start to shake before I even get into the room. Another consultant scans me internally for an hour. Looking at everything from every angle. She sees a sac, in my uterus and thinks it is a pregnancy that has stopped developing. I sob. The hospital want to arrange a D&C for me that day, but it feels too rash, too sudden. I ask to go home. I call the IVF clinic to let them know what has happened over the past week. They advise me to go to them for another scan that afternoon.
My Mum arrives. We both cry. My confusion has peaked. We agree it’s a good idea to get a second scan at the IVF clinic. We go in that afternoon and the scan is quick and easy. They see a sac in my uterus too, and perhaps a blood clot (not unusual)? They say they need to give it more time to show what is going on, and re-book me for another scan in a weeks time. I feel hopeful, it might not be over. We can’t just give up on this yet, we have to give it a chance at least? My mum stays the week and helps me take my my off things. I have cancelled all work commitments in my diary since this nightmare began, and I continue to send apologetic emails to everyone I am cancelling on. I tell friends and family the truth, but it just invites more questions; ones we cannot answer.
I avoid Google for the week. We have fallen out.
The scan day arrives. Ironically, I have had no further bleeding since the day after the suspected ectopic surgery. I feel fine; well hungry and nauseous, but fine. I fear we have delayed the inevitable, but I can’t help but chase the happily ever after. I pick my husband up from the station that afternoon and we head to the IVF clinic. We wait in silence.
She begins scanning. I watch my husbands face as he sits motionless. He’s moved his chair to the side of the bed and squeezes my hand; I squeeze back. Eventually she explains the sac is still there, it has grown, but there is nothing else. No yolk sac, no fetal pole, no heartbeat. They should see all of these things by now. The sac is filled with blood, she thinks. I’m not even crying anymore, I just feel numb. She explains a nurse will come and see us shortly to discuss how we manage this. I return to the bathroom to get dressed, and as I close the door behind me my back falls to the back of the door and I slide to the floor. This is what it feels like to be completely broken. My positivity has finally run out.
Almost a week later. Several phone calls with my consultant, the EPU and the IVF unit led to me being arranged to have a D&C procedure fairly swiftly under guidance of sonography. Given my history of “retained products from pregnancy” they thought this was best. They also wanted to send everything for histology testing; hopefully to shed some light on what had happened. My consultant, the nurses, everyone was brilliant that morning. I was ready to go through for the procedure before 9am, that familiar rush and tingle up my arm; I was out like a light. I wake up about 45 minutes later, in the same recovery room as the two weeks prior; except this time the familiar face of my consultant in front of me. I am not sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn’t this. “I am so sorry, we didn’t go ahead with it.”
What?! Was I dreaming? What on earth had happened now? She went on to explain that they had begun with ultrasound to guide them, and there they were; not one, but two pregnancy sacs. She started showing me pictures she had captured, and explained why she couldn’t go ahead given that there could now be the smallest chance that I was still pregnant; with twins. I was speechless. I spent the next half an hour in recovery completely dazed and confused, asking if anyone had told my husband what was going on? When they took me back to the day unit, there he was, looking even more shocked than I imagine my face had when I had woken up. Neither of us dare say anything for the first couple of minutes. We had lost this baby three times in the last three weeks, and now, there were two?!
After another couple of hours I was taken back to the Early Pregnancy Unit, for another internal 3D scan with my consultant and the same lovely consultant who had looked after us and done the emergency laparoscopy for me. They decided to scan together; to look at everything thoroughly; and sure enough, there they were; two sacs. I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing. There wasn’t much detail inside either, and no heartbeats; but two? We only had one good embryo transferred, so it must have split. I don’t even know what the chances of that are? (I mean, I am sure Dr Google would tell me, but we still weren’t speaking). Both consultants agreed, they needed to give it more time, another week. They agreed the chances of the pregnancy being viable were very slim, but that they had to give it a chance, especially given the changes that had already happened in recent days. Another agonising wait.
The trouble is, with something like this, is you can’t just put it out of your mind? You can’t just say “Oh well, I won’t think about that until the next scan then.” It’s going on inside you, and you have absolutely no idea what is happening. I wanted to hide from the world during that week; actually, I did a pretty good job. Only leaving the house to walk Boris; I didn’t drive anywhere or do anything until that following scan appointment. It felt as though our lives were on hold, again. Our cards had been thrown up in the air once more, and the hand that was about to be dealt could give us everything, or take it all away.
I don’t think I will ever forget that final scan. Those two empty sacs on the screen next to one another. The way the consultant apologised and looked as though she was going to cry too. The way she placed her hand on my leg as she delivered the news we had been dreading. The way my husband squeezed my hand so tightly, or the hug that the nurse gave me before she took us through to another room to discuss what would happen next. I never would have expected twins, I never would have dared dream of them; but seeing them there on the screen made it all the more real, what we had just lost. The consultant said “I wish I had been able to give you both some happy news. I really do.” So do I, more than she will ever know.
For now, every healthcare professional we have had contact with can only apologise for us getting even more “bad luck”. Our track record seems to baffle them. I’ll be honest, it baffles me. We starting trying for a baby four and a half years ago, I was 29. I’m 34 this month. Time is hurtling forward and each year seems to bring new heartbreak, more complication, and that happily-ever-after seems further away than ever before.
As I sit here, no longer pregnant, and drinking one of my first caffeinated coffees in months (well, you’ve got to treat yourself sometimes?!), I wonder what could possibly happen next? You see, it appears we have run out of steam, given up on the fight, for now, at least.
Perhaps I won’t burn those positivity pants just yet though, hey?
Elle x
1 in 4 pregnancies in the UK end in loss. Tommy’s the Baby Charity provide vital research to reducing miscarriage and still birth, and are committed to supporting those families who are affected by it. If you, or someone you know, needs support, you can find out more about Tommy’s by clicking here.
Elle Wright is a wife, mother, author and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.
you don’t need to hear my story but all I will say is I empathise so much. I have so much hope for you ❤️
Elle my heart just breaks for you and Nico. No one should ever have to go through this. Keep those positivity pants close by, miracles can happen ❤️
Oh Elle, my heart is breaking for you & Nico… You have been such an inspiration and encourager to others over the past few years, You now need to let others do that for you, to encourage, Inspire and help you lift your head again. Im sure your drained physically and emotionally, month of treatment and weeks of not knowing what was going on. Sending you lots of love as you rest and recover. Xo
Elle, I am so sorry for your loss. As a fellow IVF’er, I understand the hope placed on a cycle and the stress it brings about. I wish that this cycle had brought you your rainbow.
I know you’re probably not in the head space to think about the future at the moment. I don’t know if you’ve considered a second opinion from a different ivf clinic. There are a number of protocols around that you may want to explore. I hope that whatever you choose to do in the future, that it brings you peace.
Sending lots of love xxx
Such a sad story, so elegantly written. I wish you every hope and luck in the future for you, your husband and a miracle. X
I’m so sorry. I wish life wasn’t so cruel to you and I have every hope for your rainbow xxx
Hi Elle,
I started following you after I found a picture of your house on Pinterest (FYI, your house is goals). Anyway, I looked through your IG, started watching your stories and found out about Teddy, your book, your fundraising etc. And I have to say I have so much admiration for someone who’s been through so much heartbreak but manages to carry on and focus their energy on so many positive things.
You come across as such a lovely lady who is such a fantastic mum to Teddy and Boris. Please do not lose hope 🌷❤️
Sending love & hugs xxx
Elle, your courage to keep going through all of that struggle is awe inspiring. Teddy was a very lucky boy to be born to such an amazing mother. It must take immense physical and emotional strength to have endured all of that. It’s truly not fair and I’m rooting for you. I hope you can keep going until you get everything you deserve.
💛
Oh Elle, my heart breaks for you! I can’t imagine the pain and suffering you have been through, I hope one day you feel able to ‘go again’ to put on those positive pants and that you do get your happily ever after ❤️
I am heart broken for you Elle.
To even write this post you are braver than you could ever imagine.
I really do hope you get everything you dream of and it eventually works out for you.
I definitely don’t think your done with those pants just yet!
You are helping more people than you realise by sharing your story… don’t give up.
Sending lots of hugs to you and your husband xxx
Oh Elle 💔 I’ve been thinking of you since I saw that you were in hospital. I’m so sorry xx
Oh Elle. I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling. My infertility story had some similarities and hearing all the names of the drugs brings it all back. I never made many eggs, and like Nico said, it does only take one. I wish you all the love and luck In the world. My ivf battle ended with a cancer diagnosis at Christmas and that may be it for us. But I have hope for you. My mum and 2 sisters have been worried about you and thank you for sharing ur story.
Keep faith
Good vibes only
Charlotte
I’m at a loss of what to say as I suppose we all are. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sending so much love your way xxx
Oh Elle, sending love, strength & lots of positivity your way. Your stronger than you’ll ever know. X
I am so sorry for your losses, stay strong ,
♡♡♡
Oh Elle, I’m heartbroken for you and your family after reading this. You have already endured more pain than anyone should ever have to. Despite everything you’ve been going through since losing your beautiful Teddy, you always come across as a beacon of light, spreading positivity and hope to all those who follow you, even if you think you don’t. You’re incredible. And I am certain, absolutely certain, that you have not let ANYONE who loves you down. It hurt mt heart reading that as you a clearly a beautiful person. You couldn’t have done anymore than you have already and I admire you deeply. Fighting is hard; it’s exhausting and just awful. I hope with all my heart that you and Nico get to take your baby home soon. You deserve it. Xxxx
Lovely Elle, like everyone here and your Instagram followers I’m just heartbroken for you and Nico. You truly have an army of people around you who hold you so dearly in their hearts even though we only know you from an app on our phones – as Anna says you are actually surrounded by a massive bubble of love. (I hope that is reassuring and not weird…). Once the KOD is finished – or maybe during the fun bit of demolition when there are no walls and everything is covered in dust – you can come and hide away from the world for a bit in Cornwall. Xxx
Sending so much love to you ❤️
Thank you for sharing with us, I’m sorry your heart has been broken and really hope it heals with what you so badly want ❤️
Keep those positive pant folded up in your drawer until you feel you can wear them again Elle. Don’t dare throw them away. Sending love to you both. Thank you for being strong enough to share this story with us x x
Thinking of you Elle! I’m sure it is a hard time for you and no one knows truly what you are going through, you are in my prayers each night and you are such an inspiration to many people (including me)💝
❤️❤️ xx
❤️
Elle, I’m so sorry you’ve had such a shitty time. I know that clinic well. IVF is just a series of agonising waits one after the other, and yours have been even more so. Sending love to you
Thinking of you and praying you get your rainbow after the storm. Lots of love x
I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. Life is shit at times. We took a similar journey; having an excellent counsellor and holding dearly onto your husband can get you through those very very dark days. Xxxx
Since reading your book I think about you often. I hope that’s not strange, it just moved me so much I often find myself hoping that you are ok and that you are happy. I’m so so sorry that you have experienced more heartbreak, it’s completly unfair.
Keep up your amazing positivity and hope. You are an absolute inspiration Elle xx
I don’t really know what to say, I’m so sorry for your loss and heartbreak, I lost 2 babies both at 16 weeks 2 years apart so I understand that feeling… But I was lucky in the end and i did get my happily ever after, and I hope for you when you’ve physically recovered and mentally prepared yourself that maybe you’ll get yours too xxxx
Oh Elle I’m so sorry for you all x x x
Sending you so much love 💞 xxxx
Elle im sending you so much love ❤️
Elle, I am truly so heartbroken for you, Nico, your babies and your families. You deserve so much happiness and are such an inspirational, brave mama. You are in my thoughts and my heart, Nina (my Mae became an angel in January 2018 at two hours old – Teddy’s story, your positivity and your book helped me so much through such a tough time) THANK YOU for being you. X
Keep those positive pants folded in your drawer until you feel ready to wear them again. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story with us x x x
You also don’t need to hear my story you are not alone please don’t hung up Ur positive pants yet sending you so much love xxx
I am so sorry. You have had such a rough time of it, I wish I could say better times are around the corner. Just remember, this too will pass – I know how much it must hurt xxx
Thank you for sharing, I haven’t lost, I’ve never gained, only battling my own infertility. If you can believe I even found myself laughing along with the diet, acupuncture, alcohol. I just want to send you all the hugs. Thank you Elle.
Kelsey.x
I’m speechless. I am so sorry you are enduring this heartbreak. Massive hugs to you and your husband xx
A horrible rollercoaster ride for you both. I wish you all the luck in the world x
I wish there were words that would even make the slightest bit of difference. But there aren’t. My heart breaks for you. That’s all I can say. I’m so so sorry. Will pray that one day, one day you will get your happy ever after. ❤️
There are no words only numnes, thank you for being so open, forever hopeful for you both, big hugs and lots of love x
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Oh Elle, I have no words, but I just wanted you to know, I am thinking of you all 💙
Elle and Nico, I’m so so sorry that this has happened 💔 More than anything I want you both to get your happy ever after…I can’t think of anyone I (don’t!) know who deserves it more…pop your positive pants away for a minute, take a moment to breathe, then when you feel able, take them out and see how they feel. In the meantime, we’ll all let you share our positive pants…mine are big enough for both of us! Sending so much love to you both, and to your families xxxxx
Elle, sending you and Nico so much love. We don’t know each other but I can completely relate to your post and how life seems to play such cruel tricks on us sometimes. Please stop thinking you have let people down, you absolutely haven’t. IVF is a tough process physically and mentally not to mention the loss you feel. Whatever happens in the future you will be ok – for now just look after each other x
Elle / I know that post must have been so difficult to post. You will help so many people understand the horrible unfairness of infertility & the strength required to go through. I wish you all love for the next stage – don’t give up x
Sending you so much love ♥️♥️♥️ I can’t imagine surviving the heartbreak you have been through.
Dear Ellie. I’ve just read your blog post and I’m lost for words. You really have been through so much, it’s so so unfair. Please don’t give up hope. I had almost stopped believing I would become a mummy, but at 45 I had my daughter via a second attempt at IVF. I had my treatment in Athens. I had 3 embryos transferred. I discovered I was pregnant 10 days after the embryo transfer. For a short time, I to was expecting twins, sadly one failed at 12 weeks pregnant, the other thankfully was successful. Never stop believing this can happen beautiful lady ❤️❤️❤️❤️
There are no words that anyone can say but I truly hope you get your dream one day soon. xx
I know nothing I say can help, so just sending love ❤
Take your time. There’s plenty of time for your positivity pants to make their return.
Sending all the love 💗
So sad to read this, sending you a big hug, I cannot imagine what you have been through. Xx
This all feels so deeply deeply unfair, and I’m not having to live through it. Elle, you may not feel strong but you are a source of strength and comfort for others by sharing your story.
Just reading through the comments it’s obvious that if life itself was born from other people’s hope you’d have your rainbow baby a thousand times over – and most of us don’t even know you, but feel like we do and are rooting for you anyway (thanks Instagram!), and if things don’t work out they way you want, I hope it feels like there is a community out there that want to support you from afar. I believe “we” are here as much for the hilarious insta chats as we are for the heartbreak (although we’d all prefer there was none of later for your sake, not ours).
I hate that shit things happen to good people and I hate that this has happened. Wishing you well in your recovery and hope you find happiness in whatever way possible because you bloody deserve it. X x
I have just finished your book and I’m sure like many others who have read it, I cannot wait for the day we see a photo of you with your rainbow baby. My heart breaks for you- no1 deserves all this heartbreak 💜thoughts are with you and your husband xx
Like Chole, you don’t need to hear anyone else’s sad stories, your poor heart possibly can’t take it. All I will tell you Elle is that when you are that broken & on your knees, you need to take time to out heal. Sometimes the reality is that the happy ever after doesn’t come….It doesn’t mean you give up, you just learn to refocus on your life. I am desperately, desperately heartbroken for you & Nico & have so much empathy having worn the t-shirt too many times to mention. Just know you’re not alone & though no words help…..talking does…. so find yourself someone professionally that you connect with & who understands….when you are ready, & grieve & learn to put one foot infront of the other again. Sending you so much love & the biggest heartfelt hugs 💗 Stay in your bubble for as long as you need to, and have no guilt in that. Boris will be your bestest friend in the world right now, my fury friend got us thru the darkest of times😔 I truly hope you get your happy ever after, just take time to heal your aching heart…. much love Xxx
You write so beautifully, I read the whole thing holding my breath, hoping the outcome wasn’t what it was.. Sending you love and light during these dark days. Stay strong and don’t lose hope ❤️
Thinking of you so very much. You do not deserve this. Lots of love xxxx
All I can do is send hope and love. Thank you for being so beautifully honest and raw. Sending all the positive wishes I can muster xx
I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. You are in my prayers. I truly hope you will have happy news soon ❤️
I’ve just had my 4th miscarriage since the stillbirth of my daughter, Phoebe, in December 2017.
The cycle of hope and hope deferred is horrific. My heart breaks for you.
Sending you lots and lots of love. You guys are amazing parents to Teddy. Thank you sharing your story, yours was the first blog I can across after Phoebe was born and I can’t begin to tell you how helpful it has been.
Love Lauren xxx
Oh gosh you poor poor things. So much heartbreak in such a short space of time. I follow you on Instagram and assumed something was up and was praying it was good news for you both. My heart goes out to you 💔💔
I don’t know you but I want to send you my love….my hope and all my prayers x don’t give up
I was hoping and praying with all my mind that your blog post didn’t end the way it did. I’m so truely sorry for you and Nico. Completely heartbroken that this is the hand you have been dealt so far. I send all my wishes that your next blog post will be telling us something extra special good news. Xox
Oh Elle. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m sending you all the love. I’m (just) 34 too and childless. I empathise so much. So much. And sometimes you need a rest just to regroup. You’ve literally been through a battle. You write so beautifully too, love Katy xxx
I read this knowing the outcome but still hoping for a happy ending. There are so many of us rooting and hoping for you. What you’ve been through! You need time to process it all xxx so much love xxx
I don’t think I can say anything worth saying, but I just couldn’t read and run. I am so sorry Elle. I’m thinking of you and Nico, and Teddy, xxxxx
Such remarkable strength, courage and love shown by you, Nico & your family…Sending love to you all ❤️
Oh Elle my heart breaks for you, if there is a God up there my prayers will surely make your dreams come true 💕
Elle and Nico, my heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish it were a different one. I’m so sorry. Sending love and light during this awful time.
Please believe there are so many people behind you, whilst you have used so many wishes we will wish for you! all I can offer is love and a warm virtual hug x
Oh Elle, I am in absolute tears reading this. I literally felt I was living through every moment of your story there, holding my breath and hoping beyond hope it might turn out a different way. I don’t really know what else to say, I don’t want to offer empty platitudes, but what I really want to tell you is how amazingly strong I think you are. I’m so sorry you have had such a shitty hand dealt to you and Nico, you both deserve so much better.
I am sure you feel quite lost and unsure at the moment but whatever you decide to do next please don’t lose your spirit, you really are an incredible (and quite hilarious) woman and I am honored that you shared what happened with us.
Think that’s the longest comment I’ve ever left, maybe my only ever one, but I didn’t feel I could read something so raw and not take the time to respond.
Much love xx
Please don’t burn your positivity pants ❤️
Elle, after your Instagram silence, I think this is the blog we all expected, but prayed wouldn’t come. Absolutely heartbroken for you, but positivity pants can work wonders, hang onto them.xxx
There are no words for what you’ve had to endure. Like the kind women above I too have a story and we’ve yet to have an ending but I keep the faith and will do for you as well. Sending so much love and strength to you and your husband. I wish for you and your husband nothing but happiness and hope that this is on its way to you very soon. I’m so sorry. Lots of love xx
Couldn’t read and run. All the love to you and Nico, thinking of you both, and beautiful Teddy too. xxxxxxxx
Elle. Sending so much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You beautiful, brave lady. It won’t help much right now but you’re not alone. Sending you love, hope and positivity ❤
You have my love. I will say that I am a bit confused by how the ivf clinic treated you as that’s not the approach I had and there was more monitoring but everyone is different. If you’re interested, we used ARGC in Marylebone. Xx
Oh Elle and Nico I am devasted for you both. Life can be complete shit at times. You’ve had more than your far share of it. Sending you both the biggest hugs and thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this with us. xx
All my love to you.. ❤️❤️❤️
Its strange being part of a group that us that no one wants to join but we all feel connected…I was waiting for your blog following your Instagram silence and feel utterly devastated for you and Nico, two people I’ve never met but through your words feel such a connection with. Life is just utterly cruel and rubbish sometimes really. Sending you all the love and strength. There are no words apart from I’m so sorry for you both and wish it wasn’t so xxx
I am so so sorry and sending you both so much love!! I really hope it happens for you both soon <3 xxxxxx
Very heartbreaking 😞. Sending love to you all 💗. I hope you have your happy ever after Xx
I am so sorry. You have been through so much. I am sending you lots of love too. Please don’t give up x
I have no words you are so incredibly brave, strong (probably not the right words) for sharing your heartbreaking story. With much love and hope to you and your husband x
Sending you so much love and positivity. Keep your head up and your heart strong xxx
So so sorry to read this I hope and pray one day your dream comes true, my heart goes out to you and your husband sending love and hugs to you and your families ❤️ Xxx
Just so sorry 💔
Sitting at work this email pinged into my inbox. I knew I had to read right away. My heart goes out to you both. Elle I feel you are the strongest women I have ever come across in my life. I send you all my love and I hope you find your happiness one day. You are a beautiful spirit and if there was any justice in this world your dreams will come true. Xxxxxxxx
Hang on to that hope 💙
Oh Elle 😭 I am so so sorry. I have no words (and I know no words could possibly be enough). Just know you are all in my thoughts
Oh Elle. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Our hearts are also breaking on this long journey to find a rainbow. You are not alone, and you are inspiration of strength to us for what it’s worth. X
Oh Elle, nobody has the right words to express how this must feel or console you. Please do keep those pants……you wear them so well!!! I pray that you get that rainbow. Thinking of you & your family. Thank you for posting this so honestly. Xxx
You are both remarkable. Easy to say ‘hang in there’ because you are already. So keep loving, and, please, keep writing…. 40 years ago it would have helped me, and it will help someone now.
Thinking of you, Elle. I have just finished your book. Keep your head up, you’ve got this 💓
How absolutely shit. Sending so much love and strength to you, Nico and your families. Keep those positivity pants tucked away for the future💗💗
I am so sorry that you are going through this, lots of love x
Sending you all my love and all the prayers, thank you for your honesty xxx
❤️
So sorry to hear this, you have been through so much. I pray you and your husband get some good news soon xxx
Look after yourself ❤️
It’s just shit! And I don’t know how you managed to write so eloquently, so beautifully and with some humour. You are truly remarkable 💕
Bless your very beautiful hearts.
I send you so much love, Elle and Nico. 🧡💙
You have been through so much yet manage to keep a sense of humour. You are amazing ! and so is your writing xx
I never ever commit to reading a person’s blog more than I do yours. In that absolute darkest of times please know you aren’t alone that what is meant for us won’t pass us by and that you categorically aren’t letting anyone down…
You make us feel less alone, i just wish you knew how incredibly opposite you are in term of being a let down with your honest recounts.
so much love to you and Nico x
I can’t even find words Elle. I’m sat in A Waitrose cafe crying. You so so deserve life to give you a fucking break! I share your IVF pain and so wanted to read good news. They’ll be no ‘at least you can get pregnant’, ‘oh well, keep trying’ from me….just a massive hug and love from someone who I think it destined to never find her miracle xx
Sending you all the love in the world, all the hope, and all the positivity pants. I really hope you get the happy ending you so deserve. xx
Elle, I am so sorry for you and Nico and I hope more than anything you keep those positive pants and put them back on. We are all here for you xxx
I am so sorry for what you have endured these last few years. What a brave incredible and inspirational lady you are Elle. Not just the book, the fundraising, the insta, the hilarious boris bits, the beautiful home, the ability to tell your story to help others, your wit, your healthy lifestyle. Sometimes I am simply in awe of how you get up in the morning and keep going. You let no one down. I bet everyone in your life is so very very proud of you.
Sending you love and all the healing in the world 🧘🏼♂️💕
I’m so sorry Elle. Thank you for sharing your story with us especially so soon and when everything feels so fresh… Hope that you are recovering well physically and that you keep those pants well away from any flames! Sending hugs. Xx
I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. Well done for being so open and honest and brave to share what’s been happening. I’m just at the start of my ivf journey, I’ve been through nothing anywhere like what you have. And it feels too much. So I can’t even imagine what you must be going through and have been for all these years. Many many good thoughts being sent your way xxxx
Echoing all of these comments you wonderful human. X
My heart aches reading your words but well done for finding a way to articulate such a heartbreakingly complex situation. I hope that it helped to process some of what you’ve been through in some way.
I want to thank you for highlighting the devastating complications and dead ends that go hand in hand with IVF and infertility and that “just relaxing” and “just going on holiday” aren’t a fix for anything. I am so so sorry that you encountered so many of these complications, I honestly couldn’t have imagined so many things happening to one person – it is another circumstance that I just cant begin to imagine.
You are remarkable for sharing this with us. You are strong because of all the the times you had no choice BUT to be strong. You are selfless for always thinking of your family’s pain ahead of your own. You are a rare kind of human, a special soul, a SuperMum and an inspiration to all of us. Sending so much love x
❤️
💙 I was hoping this wasn’t the reason why you had been quiet on Instagram. Thinking of you and your family at this time. xx 💙
❤️ xxx
Thinking of you <3 <3
Sending so much love and even more strength your way. Those ‘Positive Pants’ will fit you once again I’m sure. You are so strong and deserve eternal happiness. I have all the hope in the world for you both. Xx
Oh Elle. There are no words – much love to you & Nico xx
So heartbreaking, the hopes and dreams to be so up and down for weeks/months/years really!Please don’t ever think you’ve let anyone down, not even for a second! You 100% haven’t! You are the best mom to Teddy, he must be so proud of all you’ve done in his memory! I will keep everything crossed that you get some good news soon! Take your time healing, drink coffee, eat cake! X
Elle, I’m so sorry to hear you have been through all of this. I’m sure your honesty will continue to help lots of other parents. Sending you & Nico all my love xxxx
Oh Elle, there are no words. I am just so very sorry for the shit you are all being put through. I will continue to be your hope for you and pray that you will get your rainbow. You don’t need to be the positive one right now. From one angel mummy to another. 💛🌈
I’m so sorry to read your news, life can be so cruel and your journey is so close to my own, I feel your pain. Never give up on your dream our babies are waiting for us. Xx
Sending you love and healing thoughts , 27 yrs ago I had 3mcs in space of 18 months and felt defeated and wondered what I done to deserve this heartache….hoping you get your happy ever after (my eldest is now 25) but take time for body and mind to recover xx
I’m so sorry, this is so shit and unbearably unfair. Sending so much love xxx
How very brave you are to share even more of your heartache. If you can’t bear it, give those positivity pants to someone to look after for now. I’m certain when you’ve given yourself the time and space you need you’ll be looking for them again! Sending love & light to you xxx
You are a wonderful human for sharing this with the world. You’re happy ending will come – you just don’t know what that looks like yet ❤️ X
I’m so very, very sad and sorry to hear what a rollercoaster ride you’ve been on again Elle & Nico (& Boris!) I was worried about you Elle after hearing you were in hospital and I’m crying for you after reading your blog. I pray that you get some answers and the amazing professionals are able to work their magic soon. Sending prayers and lots of love to you all xxx
Gosh Elle I don’t even know what to say, I’m so very sorry that this has happened.
Life is so cruel.
I really hope and pray that your dream will come true.
You’ll have four beautiful children to meet in heaven one day ✨
Sending Love & positivity to you all. This broke my heart to read. I applaud you for sharing this. Keep positive. Xx
My stomach lurched with hope when I read about the 2nd sac … so much hope for the news you deserve and ‘we’ all hope for you … and such sadness when I read to the end . Sending you and Nico and your family love and prayers x
Oh Elle, there’s not a lot I can say but I truly am in awe of your strength. I hope your positive pants come out again soon. Sending all the love xxx
I am absolutely heartbroken for you Elle. You are so so brave and such an inspiration to so many.
Keep hold of those pants, focus on you and what makes you happy and they’ll be waiting for you if one day you fancy putting them back on again. Sending you so much love 💕
If I were given 3 wishes I would use them all for you. Sending love xx
Dear, lovely Elle, I’m absolutely heartbroken for you, and wish I could take your pain away.
There are many of us rainbow chasers around, we do know how you feel and what you’ve been through, and you’re never alone.
I do hope that, in a while, you’ll put those positivity pants on again. You’re already a wonderful mother to Teddy, and I wish so much for his brother or sister to be in your arms.
Biggest, warmerst hugs xxxx
Oh Elle this is heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry. To see you write how you feel you’ve left everyone down is wrenching. You haven’t let anyone down at all. I wish I could give you a huge, huge hug. You and Nico so deserve a happy ending. Xx
I can only imagine the toll this must have taken on you and how horrible it must be to have your hope raised and repeatedly dashed it seems almost cruel. Time heals and in all
Of this – YOU are the most important person so sending you lots of care and love from afar!
Also I hope my words soothe you in some way – I am 42 and have had a baby I notice that you mention your age in the post it’s not always a defining factor so try not to let time and age be some thing that hampers your dreams. When I’ve had hard times be it the loss of my dad and others struggles some of the principles of Buddhism really helped – life Is an endless cycle and hope you can draw on the amazing inner strength you’ve cultivated so far….
Oh Elle, don’t feel sorry! It’s so brave of you to write this down. There are no words to bring you comfort in all this pain. I can relate to your story a bit. We started trying for a baby at 29. I’m 34 now. I’ve had two miscarriages and I lost a baby boy at 19 weeks because my body started to contract. 5 years of waiting… and nothing. I even questioned the ability of the doctors here in The Netherlands. I’ve heard that fertility treatments in Belgium are way better. I even wanted to go there until I got pregnant again. I’m now 12 weeks. But I lost blood from week 5 until now. I think I thought I had a miscarriage 5 times this pregnancy. The baby is fine but there’s a huge chance that I will loose it again… because my cervical length is already short. I’m in panic mode. The one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes you just have to sit back, continue to breathe and wait for the good to happen. It’s easier said than done. I wish I could look into the future. Sometimes I’m so jealous of people that get pregnant in an instant and have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I want that!! I hope & pray you’ll have a baby again in the future. My colleague tried for 20 years! And got pregnant at 45. There’s hope.
Elle, don’t ever give up hope. Times like these I know you feel like giving up. But please don’t. You are a incredibly strong and brave young woman. Keep going. Keep believing. 💗
Sending thoughts, love, positivity and oh so many hugs to you Elle. You are in my thoughts. ❤️xx
I am so sorry for your loss Elle and Nico. xxx
My heart breaks in two for you. There’s no pain like it, I’m so so sorry xxxx
Such a brave women.
Sending so much love…. dont give up hope.
My partner and I have also been trying for 5 years, and have recently suffered a similar ordeal. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all this….xxx
No words will ever be enough for what you have had to endure. I feel so sorry for your terrible loss ❤️❤️ Sending enormous love, hugs and hope for you, your husband and family xx
Elle, I’m so sorry and sad to read what you and Nico have been through. How life can deal you both such a cruel hand is beyond belief.
Thank you for being so brave to share, your honesty helps so many going through their own heartbreak.
Please keep your head up and your heart strong ❤️ xx
Reading this has made me so emotional. It has so many similarities to my own experience – the infertility, the hysteroscopies, the dildo!, the IVF, the spotting, finding out it was a twin pregnancy… My experience differs in that we lost one of the twins and continued with a pregnancy with a baby that they kept telling me may have a serious defect at birth. Endless scans and appointments later well into the pregnancy we eventually found out the baby was looking healthy and I could finally start to enjoy the pregnancy. Freddie was born four weeks ago and it was the happiest day of my life. Sadly, we found out a week ago that he has cystic fibrosis which – after all the heart ache we have endured – has hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m so lucky that I have him but you do question how much bad luck one person can have. I am so sorry to hear about your heartbreak, you have been through so much and still seem so strong. Xxx
Why oh why do us people have to deal with these tough stages in our lives? Elle you are so much in my thoughts with Nico, Teddy and Boris. Difficult & testing times can now bog off and its time to bring some rays of happiness. Let’s hope so. Positive pants always within reach. ❤ Sending lots of love. X
I am so heartbroken for you and your husband. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Oh Elle I’m so sorry to read this. You have gone through more heartbreak than is fair. But keep those positivity pants close by. You are still young at 34. I had my ivf miracles at 39 and 41. Give yourself a big break and look after yourself. Ivf is so tough physically and mentally. Sending love and positive vibes that your happy ever after will come. Xx
❤️❤️ Sending all my positive thoughts to you x
I’ve always maintained that angel parents should get some kind of short cut to their rainbows. It really is just too shit for words.
Secondary infertility feels like a knife and I can only imagine what the roller coaster you and nico have been on this year must have get like.
Sending you all the positivity for you, and enjoy those caffeinated drinks for now lovely.
So much love coming your way xxxxx (and I know you know this, but you w not let anyone down)
Elle, I am so incredibly sorry for you and Nico. The pet where you said you called your mum and apologised made me gasp out loud in sorrow; I’ve done that too and I know exactly how you felt in that moment. There is nothing I can say that will help and no need for me to share my experience as every one is different, but I can’t begin to tell you how so very sorry I am sweet girl. X
So heartbreaking 💔 u truely r amazing and i really hope u get ur happily ever after ❤ x
Sending love, hope and good thoughts to you and your family. This story is heartbreaking to read let alone live. So sorry you are going through this xx
I am heartbroken for you. I’m so sorry for you and Nico. Sending you strength and a huge virtual hug. Xxxx
Lost for words…..don’t know what to say, other than you are so right, you absolutely couldn’t make that shit up.
Once again marvelling at your amazing resilience, and sending loads of love xxx
There is no one I would rather see have their happy ending than you. I’m so incredibly sorry for all your heartbreak. Sending all the love. Xxxx
I feel your pain, I really do but I know that doesn’t lessen your pain. All I want you to know is it can still happen, after the death of my daughter (who strangely they initially suspected was ectopic- she wasn’t!), 3 miscarriages, the last of which was conceived with clomid, I did conceive again with fertility treatment. I have 2 healthy boys now xx
Thinking of you all xxx
Sending you and Nico much love and so much positivity.. don’t give up.. your time will come xxxx
Thank you for the soul bearing honesty – sending you peace, love & sunshine
I’ve had to read this twice to get my head round it and I still can’t. I can’t even imagine what you’re both going through but please know you haven’t let anyone down x
No words – nothing is quite enough. But I feel your pain deep in my heart. I am so glad that you are at least surrounded by such love.
You’re an inspiration of positivity and have helped so many xxx
You are so strong, you should be incredibly proud of yourself Elle, you truly have a beautiful soul 💛 I wish you all the love in the world and pray that you and Nico get your happy ending 💛
You are so brave Elle! You’ve inspired me so much with your positivity through everything you’ve been through. After having 6 unsuccessful IVF rounds in Scotland I was recommended the ARGC clinic on Harley St and am now pregnant with twins. When you are ready to try again I highly recommend them as they individually treat patients and have the best success rates in the UK. Sending lots of love 💕
There are no words, other than solidarity. I’m 4 miscarriages in, currently on metformin. I’m sorry you, me, all of us, any of us have to endure this. It’s the cruelest pain. I am so glad you were able to write this because it makes us all feel that little less alone. All the love xxxxx
Elle and Nico, you are remarkable people. I’ve been through similar experiences with miscarriage and to see your experience written down like that brings it all back. We must all keep sharing our stories so that we can support each other! This must be the only good thing I can take out of my experiences with this, in that being open about what’s happened to me might help someone else not feel so frightened and alone. Keep looking forward if you can Elle, keep your positive pants on!! Xxxxx
It breaks my heart to read this. I been through similar and it’s hard! We lost twins in week 25 and an other pregnancy after that. Also fertility treatment, going on 5 years of trying now. We have decided to take a good long break, breath and have some good times. We will never loose hope, but sometimes you need to breath… for a while, before the energy is back. I wish you all the best xxx
Oh my goodness Elle, I am totally speechless reading your blog and what a brutal time you are having. You don’t even know me but I am sending a hug. Sarah x
There are just no words, just heart breaking. Thinking of you both and hoping there are brighter days ahead xx
Sending you lots of love Elle. I have everything crossed for you & hope that you have that rainbow baby. Xxx
❤️❤️❤️ don’t really know what to say ❤️❤️❤️ so just sending lots of love and letting you know thinking of you xx
Oh Elle I’m so sorry. What an ordeal! Thinking of you and sending lots of love. The ivf worked, so fingers and toes crossed it will again with a positive outcome. xxx
Just sending love and prayers your way ❤️❤️
Elle my heart breaks for you, Sending all the love in the world xxx
Just sending you so much love, life can be so cruel xx
my love goes out to you and your family 💜… I like many others follow your page for various reasons , Boris, shit kitchen, sweet peas, Mr Shouty, spicegirls, and more importantly because of Teddy, and our Love and admiration for you and your husband raising awareness and funds for families that have suffered such a huge loss….over the last few weeks ive been wondering & hoping & praying for news ….I’ve read the blog today crying and praying so bloody hard i couldn’t see the page and wishing so hard for a different ending…. beautifully written , honest and truthful words from an amazing lovely person you are such an inspiration. Hugs to you both xx xxx
Written so beautifully and with such eloquence. I think of you often sweet sweet mama. I’m so sorry it’s been so utterly shit. Nothing I say will make it better, but my goodness my darling, you have an army of love behind you, Nico and Boz. Sending my portion of that big huge love we all have for you. 💗 xxxxxx
Elle, I’m so sorry to read this. It is beyond unfair and I’m so sorry you’ve been through more loss and heartache. I’m 6 years down the line of ttc and have been through 4 cycles of IVF so far – 2 ended in miscarriage and 2 were unsuccessful. In that time, most people I know have ended up having success so it can be hard to keep mustering the energy to keep going when it never seems to work out! I can empathise with that part as infertility, loss and IVF leave you so exhausted. We are giving things one final go with year with donor eggs and then sadly drawing a line under it all as I can’t do it anymore. I hope so so much that you get your rainbow very soon. I cannot imagine what you went through losing Teddy and I think of you often. So sorry again. xxx
Thank you for sharing , If you know you know. I hope you find relief in telling this story as others and myself struggle with the same issue in silence you are so inspirational for telling it like it is, much love 💕
Thank you for sharing your story, Elle, you are so brave and such an inspiration. My heart breaks for you both, you seem like such lovely genuine people. I really hope the world gives you a break soon xx
My heart breaks for you 💔. Sending love, light and strength to you both xxx
Oh Elle, life can be so bloody cruel! I can relate to everything that you have said. Just know that you’re not alone. Sadly no matter how hard you try, sometimes you just don’t get the outcome that you so badly ache for. It’s beyond heartbreaking. Take some time to heal and just be for a while. Only you will know if you’re ready to keep going, you just need to do what is right for you and Nico – whatever that may be. Sending all the love and hoping more than anything that you get your rainbow xxx
There are no words I can find to say that will make anything any better for you. But I so wish there were. You never disappoint anyone/let anyone down – It made me cry when I read that even in your darkest moments you were thinking of others. I can’t begin to even imagine your pain.
I don’t make wishes often. But I when I do, I often think of you and Nico and send up an extra one. Xxx
I’m so sorry for your heartache Elle. Sending all my love ❤️ Xxx
i’m so very very sorry that you’ve had to go through all this. thinking of you and sending lots of love and support xx
So very sorry for your loss.
You are a brave, strong, fearless woman Elle. Sending you all the positive vibes in the world (along with all these other people who have been touched by your story) and wishing the very best to you, Nico and Boris x
Oh Elle, you have been in my thoughts for such a long time now,. I really hope you get all you desire very soon, you’re a truly inspirational woman x
I just want to say that I feel for you and wish you the best of luck. I am sending you all the love and positive vibes..Ive been through similar losses (nothing like what you went through losing Teddy) but I just, I just don’t know what to say except don’t give up. This life is hard. But it will be worth it when we get there. That what I keep telling myself anyway. From a girl who started ivf at 29 and is almost 33, I get it. I’m with you xx
You are braver than you think and stronger than you believe Elle. Thank you for sharing your story. Love to you and Rico and the brightest star of all Teddy xxx
I’ve been through IVF too and the ‘dildo wand’ description made me laugh! But my heart is breaking for you… Life can be such a bitch! Sending lots of love to you and your family and praying you get your happy ending xxx
Life is just so unfair. I truly believe Teddy will have a sibling one day, we’re all here supporting and praying for you. Sending you much love xxx
I can’t quite find the right words to express how sorry I am for the utterly shit time you have had to endure – so will just say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love xxx
Elle, my heart breaks for you and Nico 💔 sending you lots of love and hugs. Praying for a miracle, try and keep the hope alive xxx
Thanks for sharing your story Elle, it helps many. I hope your body heals quickly. Take your time with the emotional recovery. Thinking of you and enjoy your coffee, you deserve it.
You are so strong sharing your heart breaking journey which will help and support others. You give me strength in my own journey Thank you ❤️
I don’t know how much crap one person is expected to take – but you have had your fair share of it, plus about 10 other people’s fair share too. I’m so sorry. You’re very brave.
Absolutely shattering to read this; let alone experience it. Thinking of you both ❤️
Elle, you are so so brave. Thank you for sharing this story – I am filled with so much hope and admiration for you. You may feel weary but through this blog you share so much bravery and reality and inspire others to have strength and I really do admire that. Please take care of yourself ❤️❤️❤️
My heart is breaking for you, but don’t burn those positivity pants. I was 37 when our rainbow arrived, I don’t know you but I read your book and wish you a rainbow
I’m so very sorry to hear about such a heartbreaking time, I have been thinking of you since I saw you were in hospital. I’m so sad to hear what you’ve again had to experience. Life is cruel and to the nicest of people.
Keep your positive pants and pop them on again when you feel ready. Sending lots of love, strength and healing vibes xxx
When we got married I remember being on our honeymoon and trying to decide if we wanted to stop the contraceptive pill this month, next etc….date + 9 months = family…..surely??? I didn’t think for one minute that we would be taken on a different journey, one that would change us forever 🙁 now 7 years on, after making the decision to get off the rollercoaster we have our miracle rainbow baby…..I have absolutely no idea how or why….she is our miracle. Don’t give up hope, don’t stay in the dark places, share your hurt and never feel like you are letting anyone down xx sending you the biggest hug xxxx
You are in my prayers Elle ❤️Xx
Oh Elle. I can’t find the words, your strength in writing this is immense. One thing I know is that you are not letting anyone down, that I can be sure of xx
You are stronger than you know! Take time and care of each other. Sending love 💕
I just want to scream at the unfairness of it all. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us all. With much love. Xxx
Elle, I’m so so sorry you’re enduring yet more heartache, IVF is brutal and you’re right, the 2 week wait (and induced menopause) can make you feel you’re losing your mind! Your positivity is so incredible, rest, recover and be kind to yourself. I hope your wishes come true, more than anything you deserve it xxx
You are all beyond brave and beautiful. All I can send you is love and hugs. XXX
Oh Elle I am so so sorry that you have had to endure such devastating heartbreak. I have been thinking of you since your hospital post. Your such an inspiration to so many women out there and i have no doubt you have helped hundreds If not thousands of women work through their heartbreak too, with your beautiful happy smile and positivity everyday. I know you don’t feel like smiling now but will again I’m sure. Keep positive and I’m sure you will get your happy ever after . I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you and your husband. Sending you both healing thoughts and love. XxxxxxxX
@honeybunsmum Sarah
Elle, you truly are a warrior. I cannot believe the enormity of what you have been through. It is beyond heartbreaking.
Your book, blog and all of your achievements are so inspirational to many. You really are helping so many people. Take care of yourself. Love to you all xx ❤️
Oh Elle, I held my breath all the way through as I read this. I haven’t been through what you have but I’ve been following your journey and I think you are a true inspiration. As hard as it is don’t give up hope. You will get your happy ending I can just feel it. Sending love to you and your family xxx
Am desperately sorry to read what’s been going on for you both. I dearly hope and believe you will get to hold your beautiful baby some day soon x
❤️ totally heartbreaking! Why can life be so cruel xx
It is very courageous to share your story and it will help so many people, whether it be in regard to baby loss, IVF or simply feeling less alone in motherhood, whatever form that takes. Much love x
Words don’t seem enough and yet I can’t not write you some. I’m so very sorry for all that you have been through. It’s just too cruel. I won’t give up hope for your rainbow and I’m keeping on my positivity pants for you. Lots of love from and angel and rainbow mummy. ❤️
My heart breaks for you and Nico and sorry seems like such an empty word at this time, however I truly am sorry you are having to suffer this heartbreak. You are such an amazing person and I have nothing but admiration for you in everything you do. I hope once and if you feel ready to try again that you get your happy ever after. Xx
I am so so sorry to hear this – you have been through so much. IVF is brutal and miscarriage is cruel. You are very brave to share your story and it will help others in a similar position. I hope you get your miracle xx
I’m so sorry Elle, my heart breaks for you and Nico. If anyone deserves their rainbow it’s you two. I’ll keep my fingers crossed you get your happily ever after xxx
It’s okay to not be okay. You can keep those positivity pants safe in a drawer until you’re ready. But don’t hang them up just yet. I refuse to believe that your idea of happily ever after doesn’t exist, because it does! You deserve nothing less. Sending all my love ❤️
Elle, thank you for sharing your story. I’m truly heartbroken for you. You are unbelievably brave and I just wish that there was something that could change this for you. So much love xxxx
Elle thank you for sharing your story and keeping the discussion going it brought back a lot of memories.
You and Nico are an incredible pair sending lots of love and a massive cwtch. X 💙
Sending you and Nico all the love in world 🌎❤️ Praying for your happy ending xx
Thinking of you both! Your are an incredible and strong woman. Don’t ever give up hope. 💕
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this incredibly painful and personal story. I wish you all the best and am saddened by the pain you and your husband are going through again.
I hope you do get your happy ending be it whatever way it happens.
So sorry for what you are going through, you are so brave, I am sure that better and happy days are coming for you, please look at kristywicks on Instagram,she is so beautiful , her ivf journey many years ago ended wirh a beautiful girl, the best is yet to come for you , you are going to be wonderful parents, just stay positive as you are. Wishing you all the best.💕
Elle, after reading this (through tears and literally holding my breath) I feel inadequate in saying that you are in my thoughts and I’m so mad with what life has dealt you and Nico. Of course I don’t know what the outcome will be but please don’t give up and please keep those pants ready, you deserve everything you wish for.
One of my colleagues had numerous miscarriages and more than one round of IVF, she has just returned to work after being on maternity leave with twins at the age of 43. So much love to you and Nico x
Wow what a brave post. I am so sorry to read of your awful experience and heartbreak. Much love to you both
I’m devastated for you and Nico. I wish I had words to make you feel a bit better. I’d just like to say that you are amazing for sharing your journey and helping us all feel a little less alone. And you are letting absolutely no one down. I wish there was something I could do to help. Take it gently, with love
Thank you for sharing your story. Hoping you manage to find your positive pants soon xx
I am so sorry for the heartbreak that you and Nico have experienced. Thank you for sharing your story x
I’m so sorry to hear this Elle, but don’t give up hope. After 5 years of infertility and an ectopic pregnancy we finally got our miracle through IVF. Your miracle is coming ❤️
You are an inspiration. Sending you and you’re family all the love and strength I possibly can.
My heart breaks reading this post Elle. If anyone deserves a happy ever after, it’s you and your family. Thank you for sharing. 💗
I suffered from secondary infertility and we also went through the IVF process. There have been dark times over the years, and it’s not until women open up about the pain and struggles, that you realise how many people have experienced something similiar. That you’re not alone.
Sending you lots of love and strength. I genuinely hope you find happiness whatever the future holds, and that life just cuts you a damn break! Xxxx
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your loss and pain. I am so sorry for you both. I do not know what else to say, the whole experience you have described just sucks x
I am so sorry and sad to read this. You don’t need the details of my story save to say try not to let go of your incredible strength and positivity. Hope is such an important part of this process and I truly believe you will hold your miracles in your arms as I do. With love to you, Nico and Teddy. Xx
Oh Elle, I am so very sorry. I’ve been following you for 2 years now. Just over 2 years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy and felt so very lost and needed to find someone or something to relate to and I found your podcast interview with giovanna fletcher and I’ve been following you since. You are a true inspiration of strength and I cant imagine how you must be feeling after everything you and nico have been through. But you and your family are always in my thoughts. I really do hope and pray things work out for you all. Teddy will be so proud of his amazing mum and dad.
Stay strong and keep being the amazing woman you are xxx
Sending you my biggest hugs and lots of love. Even though I don’t personally know you, your post has really stopped me in my tracks (literally, I had to stop cooking dinner and go somewhere else to read your full post) and left me in tears. I imagine you probably don’t want anymore sympathy but after reading your post I really started sobbing and kept thinking how unfair it has been on you not to have your happy ending. I wish you absolutely all the best and that one day you hold your rainbow baby in your arms. You deserve it like nobody else ❤️ xxx
I feel every heartbreaking word of this.. My story is different to yours but it involved the losses of 4 babies before my son was born after 9 months of pure anxiety and fear. Never give up Elle. My precious baby is preparing to go to university in September so I am now at the other end of the spectrum.. Love to you xx
I read this almost holding my breath but also fearing what the end would be but still hoping for good news…I can’t begin to imagine what you have gone through and continue to go through. You show such strength and courage which must be crushing at these low and uncertain times.
A friend directed me to your insta page last summer when I miscarried and had to have a D&C. I felt so confused and lost but reading your story I could see there was still hope when tragedy happens, you have such a wonderful outlook on life.
Please don’t give up the fight, you are both (and Boris!) and deserve happiness xx
No response required. Just sending love to you all. X
Thinking of you… it so heartbreaking to read your story After three early miscarriage and our own son born sleep I deeply understand your feelings but please don’t give up. I wish you the strength to get through this.
Im so heartbroken for you, dont feel you have to be positive right now. Who truly could be allow yourself to not be but it will return at some point you will feel hopeful again but you absolutely need time to grieve. We had 3 rounds of ivf 1 ectopic 1 fail and our 3rd with only 1 embryo at transfer resulted in our wee girl Im now expecting again naturally and she has just turned 1, more than anything I hope one day you have a story that turns full of hope and that even through the roughest and most awful storms the rainbow will come. Much love and best wishes Xxx
Ellie I am so sorry I do not have some profound words to help you and your husband stay positive, I do wish I had. To read this had me in tears, lord above knows how you must feel both of you. All I can say is I will pray for you both 🙏🏻
You are incredible. I’m so very sorry to read this. I couldn’t not send my love to you and your family. Keep that beautiful smile on your face. Sending lots of love and strength 💖
Another long time follower who didn’t feel right reading and running. Thinking of you and Nico and wishing for a future full of rainbows and sunshine. Xxx
Just SO much love. Hold on to hope. It’s not the end of the story. Just a terribly sad chapter. xxxx
Just so shit. Sorry there are no other words. Sending all the love xxx
Oh Elle, my heart is breaking for you and Nico. There’s really nothing anyone can say to help but just know you are admired and cared about by so many. You sharing your journey and talking really does help (you and others) and it’s what I needed but didn’t have when I was going through miscarriage and fertility troubles, as its only recently people are becoming more open. I am sending you huge amounts of love and positivity and like Nico says, it only takes one ❤️
I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must feel. I wish you and your family nothing but love, support and happiness.
I am going to donate £5 to Teddy Legacy, maybe if everyone donates a little, we can try to put a small smile back on your face.xxxx
Elle,
Words fail me, I simply cannot imagine what you have been & continue to be going through. I only hope that one day soon you find the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. No one deserves a happy ending more than you do xx
I’ve been thinking about you for the past 24 hours since I read your post…..trying to think of the right words to say, but there are no right words. This sucks……I do so wish that you and Nico did not have to go through this. I do so hope that there will be a happy ending for you both. Big hugs to you.
Hi Elle,
I’m not sure that you’ll read this but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
My family expanding mission started 18 months ago (I know it’s no where near as long as you but i feel the heartache) and in those 18 months I’ve been pregnant 3 times but have no baby to show.
I miscarried at 8 weeks December 2017 this was my first pregnancy. My husband and I weren’t expecting it at all but seeing that positive test we were so excited we shared the news with our parents, only to share the heartbreak a few weeks.
6 months later we found out we were pregnant again but decided to book in for an early scan at 7 weeks before telling anyone. ‘I can’t see why this pregnancy won’t continue to a healthy baby’ were magical words to me. We told our parent but kept it a secret from everyone else. 12 week scan everything was perfect. We shared the news with the rest of the family and our friends as we started our journey. We couldn’t wait to find out what we were having so…we booked in for a scan at 17 weeks. A boy! I was over the moon as was my husband. Everything looked fine, shared the news that we would be having a son, finally started buying bits, put the cot up, decorated his room and planned for the future. I was 21 weeks when I have my gestational and well being scan. They found out that my beautiful baby had many complications with his heart. We were sent to St Thomas in London for a second opinion and they confirmed it, along with more problems. I was keeping my baby alive essentially. We had to make the decision to either continue or let him sleep. So we let him sleep at 22+1. That was 12th October 2018.
We’ve been trying since and would you believe had a positive in January. This again ended in heartbreak with another miscarriage.
I have so much respect for you, I admire the way you take each day head on doing Teddy proud, you are wise beyond your years and you do amazing things. I hope you keep the positive pants on, if not for you, for Teddy, because I’m sure he wants to continue seeing his mummy smile and doesn’t want her days filled with dark clouds.
Thank you, thank you for being open, honest and Teddy’s mummy x
Ellie you are stronger than you realise. This is heartbreaking to read and I hope you and nico get your happy, positive ending. Sending you all the strength and love ♥️Xx
Oh Elle and Nico I’m so very sorry for your sad loss x
Elle, I’m so sorry for all you have gone through & are still going through now. The pain of such losses is indescribable to anyone who haven’t been there themselves. I would however like you to know what you have done for not just me but possibly for hundreds if not thousands of other women out there though by sharing so much of your painful journey. You’ve helped given me a voice on how to talk about my own little boy’s short life and shown with such love and compassion how it is possible to keep my sons energy very much alive in our home & in our daily lives. I sadly had a miscarriage in 2017 then lost our little boy ‘Luca’ after he was born prematurely and lived for only 13 x days last September . The hardest 13 x days in our lives but also the absolute best filled with more love than I had ever imagined possible. Just like you feel about Teddy’s short life. When I lost our little boy I didn’t know who I could talk to, who could possibly understand what I was going through. The worst thing was thinking that I could never say his name to people without making them feel uncomfortable or awkward and that just felt like the cruelist pain of all, to have to interact with people and never getting to say his beautiful beautiful name out loud. But then I stumbled across your blog, some acrticles you had written about Teddy and it has helped me immensely with guiding me in how it is possible to keep my sons name alive and keep him in the daily conversations (hell yeah my work mates know more about Luca than my own doctor! Lol) and it’s mostly down to you and that incredible book you wrote! What I guess I’m trying to say is that you’re a special person Elle and for some reason I just don’t think that your first book will be the only book I read of yours. It is just one really sh###y chapter in your life that can’t and won’t last forever. I’m not religious or have much certainty about anything in life but I do have faith in the path you’re leading that there will be happiness at the end of it! Keep going, we’re all walking along beside you x
Hi Elle. You don’t need another person to say they can relate, but I can. Every journey is personal and so different, yet the same. I still have hope for you and your husband- just as my wonderful husband had to go through everything too. I still see you as so young and so much time to explore options, please don’t add another layer of worry about your age, it’s not a factor you should worry about at this time. The only unsolicited advice I’m leaving is, look into natural IVF- if you google (are you friends again?) one clinic in London will stand out/come up in research and a particular female consultant. I’m not naming as this isn’t an ad, more just a story shared as it’s where we finally found answers re my hormone madness and a solution that resulted in our little boy. Our treasured only. No chance of any more, so just eternally grateful. I wish you so much support and space to decide where to go for your next steps- you’re so brave and strong for sharing your experience.
I’m so very sorry to hear this Elle & Nico, but something I find amazing is the warmth and generosity of your writing here. I mean it’s actually ridiculous what you two have been through….like come on??!!! But still you share in such a compelling and witty way and I find myself smiling too. Thank you so much for telling your story, I’m sending all the positive thoughts your way in the hope they can pick up some of the slack while you understandably rest those pants for as long as you need!!! This absolutely is not how the story ends…..Xxx
Sending you so much love and hope xxxxx
Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, and I wish I could send you a big hug. Please know that although you may not feel it all the time, you are such a pillar of strength and a huge inspiration to me. Xxx
Dear Elle,
Quite simply “never give up hope”.
I suffered several miscarriages (one due to the remains of a previous miscarriage) and underwent numerous procedures and finally referred for IVF(ICSI) I was 35 when i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl born on 1st January 2013 from the insertion of a blastocyst embryo. We named her Hope.
Please remain the positive, delightful, beautiful person we all know and love. (No pressure) Perhaps a break from social media may help?
I know it probably doesn’t feel like it now but it can happen and you definitely have time on your side.
You are making everyone proud by persevering on this journey to be a mummy and most definitely not letting anyone down.
Much love, Claire xxx (one of your biggest fans) xxx
✨I wish I knew the right words.. what you .. & Nico have been through, seems so cruel. I have one prayer, 💫 that you both will soon again, become Mummy and Daddy to Teddy’s brother or sister, be kind to yourself, heartfelt wishes to you both ❤️xx
258 comments later tell me so many people are here for you. Having gone through infertility for 10 years (albeit never having the loss of a beautiful born teddy) all I will say is this – everyone now has a beautiful family of all the gorgeous people I followed and supported in the IF community. Some took longer than others (like me) but we all got our babies in the end. You’ve had the worst journey and I say that honestly you’re allowed to be pissed but don’t give up. Took ten years but I finally got my two girls. You’ve got this Elle. I promise. It’s just not going to be fkn easy.
Your words resonate with me more than you will ever know. My heart hurts for you and your honesty makes me cry. I have everything crossed that the rest of the year brings better news for you both xx
Elle reading this is heartbreaking, I so wish you could have your happy ever after but life is cruel at times. I went through years of infertility and also had IVF but please please remember you are letting no one down this is yours and Nico’s Journey your parents just want you to be happy they will already be so so proud of you. Sending you lots of hope and love and please keep those positive pants close by 💕xxx
Thank you for writing and posting this. My story is so similar, including an IVF pregnancy with twins, that was monitored and monitored because they weren’t sure if I was losing the pregnancy of not. I was literally told at one scan that it was an “inconclusive heartbeat.” Ultimately, we lost the pregnancy and I had a D&C that resulted in “retained tissue” and I continued to bleed for 5 weeks before they discussed the possibility of a second D&C. We’ve been trying to grow our family for 6.5 years, started when I was 26 and am now 32. I am grateful to have found your blog and find some comfort in knowing I am not alone. Wishing you peace and comfort.
I just wanted to send you some love. I am wishing for a happy ending for you, whatever them means xx
I just cried for you, Elle. I’ve followed your blog for such a long time but hadn’t read over the last few months. Today, I recommended you to a lady whose beautiful baby was born sleeping, as I thought she might find comfort in knowing she is understood. So I thought I’d catch up with everything, but my god. I’m not one to scream the whole “it’s not fair” thing, but Elle, this is awful and shit and heartbreaking and wrong and evil and sad and just so, SO unfair. I’m actually angry that all this could happen to one couple – not that it’s nice for any one part to happen to anyone – but for you to have to go through and process all this continually, I’m genuinely sad and cross for you. I don’t know what else to say other than this woman is wishing so hard for you. xx
Oh my gosh. I have no words. I’ve been following you on Insta for a while and saw your stories ‘re poor Teddy. Everytime you pop up on screen I hope to see a good news new baby story but I had no idea of the challenges you’re facing wanting the same. I really wish you the blessing of your own family and I promise to not take my time with my own children for granted. Much much much love to you as this is the first time I’ve clicked and read further.
I had an ectopic pregnancy and that alone was tough. I can’t imagine the pain that you have had to endure! You can never give up hope. My best friend after having several miscarriages, a beautiful baby born sleeping and multiple operations has recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl. She lost and regained hope so many times but everyone else’s hope for her brought her the rainbow. You and Nico will get through this. Sending so much love and hope your way. Xxx
Elle, you and your husband are on a bumpy journey, (understatement I know) and your strength throughout is amazing!
As a fellow IVF’er you start with so much hope and almost excitement, no one prepares you for the emotional rollacoaster your stepping onto!
You are bombarded with information dates times instructions and somehow you manage to absorb and apply. You find an inner strength that you never knew you had to get you through ever injection, twist & turns of changes to treatment the good and bad news! You and your husband have been dealt so much sh*t, sorry to be frank that you deserve a break some good news..! Just when I was giving up had no more fight left, our last & final treatment worked. We couldn’t believe it, it was our time, our miracle, I couldn’t and didn’t believe it, we had our 7week scan and again at 9weeks as I also lost at 8 weeks..! That little dot has grown into our Little Lottie.. I know you will get inundated with peoples stories, but I really wanted to say please don’t stop believing even in the darkest of days, never stop chasing that rainbow. Your an amazing lady and your courage through this is mind blowing! Never stop believing, E x
Dear Elle, your blog brought tears to my eyes. You are so brave and have helped someone by putting these heart-wrenching experiences out there. I wish with all my heart you have a happy ending. I’m a firm believer in the power of positivity. So I’m sending you lots and lots, wrapped in many virtual hugs. Much love, Cat xx
You amazingly brave lady xxx
I was so sad reading this, I’ve been following you on Instagram for a year. You are so brave and I truest hope your dreams come true. From a fellow PCOS warrior xx
I am in tears reading this and I am so sorry for the absolute shit time you and Nico have been through.
Thank you so much for sharing your story about Teddy and this further heartbreak you have experienced, as you help so many people who feel like they are alone in their similar journeys. Sending lots of love to you, you are an amazing woman xxx
I’m crying reading this. I struggle knowing I’ll never have a baby but to have to go through the heartbreak you have I can’t imagine the pain. Lots of love to you xx