1^st of April 2016, April Fool’s Day- we were in the lift of the hospital and expecting our first baby.  We were joking about how big I was going to get, and on the way to our 20-week scan.  I remember so clearly the sonographer kept screwing up her face, my husband seemed blissfully oblivious and kept pointing out things on the screen; and then we’re being told our baby’s limbs are measuring short, and she wants to get someone more senior to check the measurements.  The measurements were confirmed and we’re issued with an urgent referral to a consultant.

No one quite prepares you to get the news that something that was so viable and real growing inside of your body is no longer going to be your reality.  It certainly wasn’t something that crossed my mind that is for sure.  I was a mum already.  At the time of our first experience of baby loss, I was a step mum to ten year old, strapping, young lad and a two year old boy who kept me on my toes.  The plan was always to add to our family.  I wanted at least one more little one to join our tribe, and the ideal scenario for me was to have the children close in age.  In my mind, I was going to handle the different stages of parenthood close together.  Of course, the plan didn’t go my way.

A letter to my baby girl…

Sometimes I let my mind wander. It often happens in the quiet darkness of the early hours when everything else is still.  That’s when my grief is often the loudest and hardest to make sense of.  I often torture myself by asking the same question over and over. Would I change anything?

I wouldn’t change my experience as your Mum, however hard it was, is and always will be.  Being your Mum was the hardest and most heart breaking thing but I would do it a thousand times over.  For the most part, I am proud and I am thankful for the way you have, and continue to impact on my life.

The 10^th of March 2015 will forever be etched in my mind, this was the date we found out I was pregnant.  We were both so excited, scared and nervous of course but ultimately happier than ever.  Looking back now I say blissfully ignorant.  At six weeks we saw a tiny little heartbeat after a bleeding scare and from that moment, I was in love.  That natural instinct to love and protect was there from the very beginning.