Hi, I’m Elle, the absent blogger.

I just thought I would re-introduce myself before I come in with an apology of what on earth I have been up to for all of these months instead of actually filling this blog with my writing.  Well, as many of you may have seen (I mean, it’s not like I have mentioned it 65875 times) I was writing a book.  I know, me, an entire bloody book. I can’t quite believe it either. If someone had asked me what my aims were with my blog when it started in January 2017, I can tell you that turning it into a book was not one of them.  I still can’t quite believe it’s happened.  When I hold it in my hands and stare at that title that was deliberated over, I genuinely cannot believe that Teddy’s story is there in print, forever.

Boris, always present during the writing process!

Acting natural in Waterstones.

So, yes, to say I have been a little busy is an understatement and to say I have been a little slack on the blogging front is an even bigger one! I actually counted up how many blog posts I have written this year…. 12. Yep, 12. *hangs head in shame*.  The book just took up all my time and then when the Mum’s Voice Guest Blog series began it gave me the opportunity to feel less guilty about my lack of content, and I just stopped trying to do everything all of the time.  Do you know what? It was the right thing to do.

I was worried for a while that I had poured my whole heart and soul into the book and there would be nothing left.  No stone unturned, nothing left to share or discuss.  I thought that I wouldn’t be able to share any more of Teddy than I already had, and the thought really scared me.  Then, I remembered that there will always be more; because there will always be more firsts, more missed moments, and I will always be feeling his absence and feeling new things for the first time with him not being there.  I suppose it was the reminder that it never ends; Teddy will always be a part of us, and so there will always be more to share.

With the book “out there” in the world I now have time to get back to what I love; this little corner of the internet. I want to keep sharing with you where I am in my fertility and wellness journey since losing Teddy, and I want to keep sharing our home and all of the exciting projects we have on the horizon.  The summer seems to have passed in a flash, and now I find myself sitting here, wearing a sweater, the central heating is on and I am wondering what the hell happened?! Autumn again.  It is my favourite season, but as it does for many people the turning of the seasons always makes me nostalgic about certain times in our lives.  This year, the 22nd September rolled around again and I was reminded that it was 3 years to the date that we had discovered we were expecting Teddy.  Today Facebook reminded me of a beach trip to West Wittering we had made a couple of days after, where I am grinning like a Cheshire Cat, unknowingly with a protective arm already shielding my belly.  I long for that feeling again, that feeling of knowing something wonderful is on the way, that there will be a new addition to our family.

September 2015

So where are we now? Two years and fours months on from Teddy’s brief time with us.  Well, still hopeful, still trying and still fielding questions from well-meaning people of “So, do you not want anymore children then?” and “Do you think you’ll ever be ready to try again?”.  Oh, how my heart breaks a little bit more each time I hear those words. How they chip away at my steely resolve and the cracks begin to show in my smiling exterior as my eyes well up and fill with hot tears.  How I hold myself back from saying “Actually, I would have created myself a tiny army by now if afforded the opportunity, but my body seems to have given up on me.”  Instead I smile, and just explain it’s taking longer that we would have hoped.  So much longer.

I seem to have exhausted the fertility drugs, alternative treatments, acupuncture, supplements, meditation, Chinese herbs, yoga, fertility diets (Note; if I eat anymore beetroot I’ll turn into a f*cking beetroot. Even worse, I hate beetroot?!). I have tried my best, and then some. It’s a wonder I haven’t bankrupted myself with the things I have tried in an effort to be a healthier, more fertile me.  If someone told me to run naked through the burning fires of Babylon whilst trying to sing and dance the Hokey-cokey I’d probably give it a whirl if I thought there was a chance it would help me get pregnant?!  My primal instinct for another baby is beginning to reek of desperation, I can feel it emanating from my very being.  Yet, I try my very best to be positive; to be fertile, but not to focus only on fertility. To keep busy, but at the same time not overload myself so that my busy life manifests as stress that in turn affects my fertility.  Sound impossible? Well, yes, it feels it too.

Of course there are always the wonderfully helpful people who tell us to “Just relax” and “It will happen”.  Or even better “Just go on holiday and have lots of sex and you’ll definitely get pregnant”.  Oh wow, really? Why didn’t I think of that?!  My consultant assures me that no amount of holidays or relaxation is set to help what my body has been through in the past two years and four months.  We did go to Dubai in April, and it was bloody lovely and so relaxing, but I can confirm that it did not result in a miraculous conception (Soz guys!).

With all that said and done we are staring down the barrel of IVF treatment. It’s imminent.  Once my book-promoting, event-laden October is over, that’s the next step for us.  I won’t lie, I am hopeful, yet terrified all rolled into one.  I hear so many success stories and so many stories where IVF has failed countless times.  I want to remain hopeful that it will happen for us, yet something is still needling away at me telling me that everything is stacked against us.  I see other people with children the age that Teddy would be now, and I think “Why couldn’t I have just been a normal Mummy, why do we have to go though all of this?”

I have promised myself that I’m going to do everything to keep thinking positively.  I think that might also include a social media switch off later in the year, to allow myself time away from the pressures of always trying to reply to everyone.  Until then, expect actual blogs and actual life/home updates.  That is, of course, if all is forgiven and you’ll still have me?

Elle x

P.S- It’s good to be back.