Losing my baby was never something I had ever thought about, why would it be? For 41 weeks I carried Gabriel and there was never an inkling of a concern that I would go home with just a small box containing some of the clothes he had worn, his hand and feet prints and a lock of his hair around my neck. But in just a few life-altering moments my entire future was changed and I now live with emotions which I would never have known possible.

I had always wanted to be a mum – it had been my dream. I used to say to people that the reason I was put on this planet was to have children, it was everything to me. I never imagined it might feel like an impossible dream. I assumed it would be easy, I assumed it would just happen, I assumed we’d be parents – just like that. I met my now husband Dave in 2005 (just before my 19^thbirthday) and that was it and by 2015 we had almost everything; we were married, we’d moved into our ‘forever home’ and we were ready to embark on having a family.

There’s one and there’s the other

“There’s one, and there’s the other…”, the sonographer calmly announced.

Oh my goodness. Twins. I was having twins. After experiencing a bleed at 11 weeks pregnant I thought I was suffering from a miscarriage however I was just getting bigger, twice as fast. My crying changed to laughing and then I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so went a bit hysterical. Connor, on the other hand didn’t talk. In fact, he didn’t say much for the next two days apart from “twins Amy” in disbelief.

At 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our second child, our lives changed irreversibly when we heard the words “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.” As I looked on, the screen I had looked at earlier that day where she had put her hand to her face, this time it was still.  I knew instantly she was gone; her little hand lay motionless on the portable scanner screen on the maternity ward, she literally looked liked she was floating in space, where as before she had been so buoyant and bouncy.